Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Riding the famous’ coat tails

March 4, 2006

I could never be a famewhore’s whore. It wouldn’t work. At the toy store, we get tons of celebs in all the time, and there are two distinct traits divided between the female celebs and the male celebs.

If you are a female celeb it is gauranteed, even indoors, you will purposely try to make yourself appear like a praying mantis. What do I mean? Abnormally large sunglasses that cover 5/8th’s of your face, super skinny legs and arms but adorned with abnormally large bracelets, bags, and boots.

If you are a male celeb you will be adorned, even indoors with a similar praying mantis but with overprocessed hair and a fur coat in attempt to distinguish themselves as the pampered and not the actual working female celeb.

Female celebs for the most part, although insect in appearance tend to be nice. Male celebs could care less about being in a toy store. Male celeb’s female famewhore’s whore, the bitchiest people on the planet. I mean I guess it is quite demanding and taxing to spend other people’s money. And all the time to overfry your hair!

Today I was on the comfy computer, the annoying computer for 1-5 year olds when suddenly Scottie Pippen, former Bulls star, approached. Not that big on the celeb meter but still big enough to warrent two security guards with him. He noticed the comfy computer and in an attempt to break for freedom from being subjected to shopping, he actually listened to the pitch and was going to buy. Yes! Another one sold! But then, I got a whif of the bleach and my sales went from +2 to -139283.

“Oh please, she’s way too advanced for that. She’s two and the smartest princess. And it only comes in clear. Don’t you have something stylish in pink, with crystals? Something more expensive?”

He quickly put it down, resigned looking. She readjusted her fur coat, attempted to flip her fried hair and sent the personal shopper in to a panicked scramble to find something educational for her “extremely” bright two year old that was also “blinged” out.

She’s just spending his money and he doesn’t care.

However that one image of Scottie Pippen putting down the Comfy Computer made another potential customer return the already almost purchased computer and several others walk away quickly.

Thanks famewhore’s whore. You look like an overprocessed praying mantis, and you are devouring your famewhore like one as well.

Olympics ver. 2010- a scary world

February 17, 2006

My boss just announced that he wants to be on the 2010 US Olympic Curling Team. He has never curled, never shown an interest in sports-except lifting his beer to his face while watching the NY Giants- but has now officially decided to join a curling club.

His qualifications, he once played shuffleboard at summer camp 30-odd years ago and was pretty good. Plus, about 12 years ago he was interviewed on the Today show for the “from the crowd” segment because his cousin was on the Italian hockey team. Legend he was. Great on air personality. So great, I’ve seen that clip a hundred times and now he’s putting it on dvd so he can show his new baby son that when he gets older. The poor kid. That’s the equivalent to having to sit and watch vacation slide shows for the rest of his life. Makes me want to liberate the wee thing before the video montage starts.

But back to curling, Bossman’s a shoe-in I tell you.
I tried to play along asking him, what would he rather be, a let-er go-er or a sweeper?

“A let-er goer,” he replied, “they are the true masters and get all the glory.”

I replied that it would be harder to get on the Olympic team as a let-er goer as there is just one, there are more sweepers so statistically you’d have a better shot.

“No,” he replied, “there can be only one and I will be that one.”

“Will you,” I replied, “given that there is already ‘the one’ on the Olympic team and unless he pulls a groin muscle he’ll probably remain that way.”

“Oh, he has nothing on my posing,” he replied-followed by muscling up on the floor in a let-er goer position. Scary sight. Think he may have pulled a groin muscle in the process.
What could I do but photoshop a pic of his head onto a curling let-er goer, tape it to his computer while he was at lunch, and then leave early before he got back citing my tummy feeling a wee bit poor.